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MATTS-MATICS: NY Jets vs NY Rangers |
BRAVE Fan Talks REDSKINS
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SABRES, PENS, SHOTGUNS & METS |
BILL BUCKNER WAS INNOCENT |
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Spring Break Training PART I |
Spring Break Training PART II |
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West Coast Craig
Posts:291
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| 12-01-2008 - SelecA - |
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Hoping to beat the crowds, and not get trampled by a mob of smooth-brains, or shot by some punk representing and stepping to it for his hoochie mama over a doll at a Toys R Us, I showed up early to the Americana in Glendale this morning. The Americana is one of these “urban malls,” an entire city block recreated to look like…a city block. At least a city block as it looks in a Disneyfied world, or a studio back lot, or in a city-themed Vegas casino…a mall/condo hybrid with the usual Barnes & Nobles/ Anthropologie/Sur La Table/18-plex theater/etc., a giant grassy “park” in the center, a trolley that goes from one end to the other, and one of those dancing water fountains that blasts horrible “music” and makes me pity the poor saps who actually live behind the windows of those faux brownstone facades. Then I remember…these geniuses CHOSE to LIVE in a MALL.
At any rate, there in the shadow of a Christmas tree the size of a small Sequoia, I stood in line with my kids to await the opening of Santa’s workshop, a homey little house erected in the middle of said park, with a fake snow roof and candy cane pillars and a fireplace inside, right next to the station where you can choose from five different kinds of photo packages ranging from $10 to over $50 (including a special DVD of your experience). Eventually, Santa and one of his helper elves came strolling up the walk, sipping on Starbucks, and entering the house through a secret back way…not, to my disappointment, down the chimney. When the door magically opened and we were greeted by the Elf, who looked a bit like a cruise director with a clipboard and glasses, my kids trembled in anticipation, readied the lists they’d meticulously scoured from of the 340 different toy catalogues that have come to our house already this year, and started nervously stepping towards the big guy in his big red suit and hat, already seated in his oversized gold and red chair, which itself looked like it was wearing a giant Carmen Miranda hat of colorful balls and pinecones and evergreen.
Unfortunately for the kids, they would have to wait…I’m bigger and have a quicker first step, so I shoved them aside and climbed right up on Santa’s lap. He gave an audible groan as his knee buckled under my weight. “Ho ho…ho god, my leg!” he exclaimed, and his belly shook like a bowl full of jelly, or a burst appendix. “Santa,” I said, “I think I should be on that ‘nice’ list of yours…I’m frankly too old to consider any of my vices exactly ‘naughty’ anymore…morally ambiguous, sure, but I reserve ‘naughty’ for real criminals, energy conglomerate executives, and the guy who came up with that Saved By Zero commercial. I hope that guy gets a big lump of coal…or a job in one of energy conglomerate guy’s coal mines as penance.” Santa grimaced and sweat started rolling down his temple and disappearing in his white beard, which was authentic, I was pleased to note. The Matts would be jealous of Santa’s thick head of hair. “Okay son, what say you get to the point here so we can move the line along.”
“Sure, sure. So, my list is brief, but carefully thought out. This year, I would like The Mets to get some decent relief pitching; the Yankees to find some home grown surprises that instill some life into their bloated, moribund roster; the Dodgers to resign Manny so I can keep writing Manny episodes, even if (especially if) he torpedoes the team in the process; a college football playoff system; Ben Roethlisberger miraculously getting healthy in time for the playoffs (I know he had a decent game in the rain yesterday, but his passes still look wobbly and his deep balls never used to be underthrown the way they are this year); a reason to start liking the Clippers again; a chance the Ireland’s 32 Green Sox may actually be competitive this summer; a chance to see the Shaskys play in Doubleday Field (since I’m heading back there next summer at some undetermined point); the Colorado Avalanche to go back to their old Quebec Nordique uniforms; a way to see the next day’s sports section today so I can actually start picking winners; NFL Sunday Ticket to start showing all of its games in HD without charging another $100 bucks for it; a reason to follow NCAA basketball so I can pretend I’m interested in March; tickets to the World Baseball Championships Finals here at Dodger Stadium; an end to the constant deification of Brett Favre; an end to the constant defecation of my friend Luby (seriously, he’s got some kind of stomach flu this weekend); a supernatural meeting with Phil Rizzuto where he reads to me from his collection of poetry, O Holy Cow; the time and impetus to start writing the Monday WCC post sometime before midnight Sunday; a way to add hyper-links to these posts; and for Meet the Matts to find a prime time slot on SNY, MSG, YES, ESPN Classic, TBS, WOR, WPIX, WGN, Fox Sports West 2, HBO, or better yet, Showtime right after Californication.
“Oh, and if you have time, world peace, an end to the recession, and a new puppy.”
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jgclancy
Posts:619
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| 12-01-2008 - SelecA - |
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I think for knocking the kids over and climbing on Santa's old knees he's going to get you a puppy alright---one of Cujo's offspring I'm guessing. Great post WCC. Also glad you didn't ask for that BB gun--you'd shoot your eye out or at least catch one in the thigh accidentally.
Stunning goal line stand and 99 yard TD made my Vikes the Undisputed First Place Vikings on the service road to the Super Bowl. Let's hope they can beat 0-12 Detroit next week--hahahaha |
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Cookie
Posts:693
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| 12-01-2008 - SelecA - |
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Love it Craig. No shame in pushing your kids aside. After all.. your gifts are the kind that keep on giving and theirs are the kind that run out of batteries or quickly get broken because they are made of cheap, injection molded plastic.
The NY Bret Fans are surely a little quieter in their false idol worship this morning. Thank you Denver Broncos (aka as my son's 'Horsie' team).
As for these other dopey football players... I made my comments about Plaxico yesterday... so am done with him (for now.. until the story gets stupider.. which it invariably will).
Big Ben, on the other hand... I have no sympathy for. I am sure it can all stem back to his motorcycle accident. What gives? Does he think the roads in PA are made of marshmallow? They don't call helmets 'brain buckets' for nothin'. |
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Cookie
Posts:693
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| 12-01-2008 - SelecA - |
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Oh.. I almost forgot Craig.. Bad Santa also uses a 'secret back door.'
Clancy... be careful what you say. Every dog has his day... |
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Yankee Joe
Posts:406
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| 12-01-2008 - SelecA - |
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| How much are those Manny jerseys going for? |
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Grote2DMax
Posts:509
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| 12-01-2008 - SelecA - |
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I'd love to hear Scooter's poetry from beyond. I'm sure it would include how he's missed his cannolis, The actual book that was put out in the nineties would be a real gift. He was a genius, as the follow example notes:
You know,
I was just thinking.
It's tough
To evaluate players
When you're out
On the golf course.
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ActiveForums 3.6
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How Philly Won |
One Of Our First
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ROY HOBBS ON STEROIDS??? |
MEAGHAN & JAKE: COOLEST FANS |
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Nobody Remembers The Loser |
Giant/Super Tuesday |
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MATTS-MATICS: Hockey Nuts Go At It |
See us on: "Law & Order" |
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MATT FACTS:
Plaxico Burress is no longer spokesman for Thigh Master. Chad Pennington is NOT a Brett Favre fan... Hillary Clinton and Don Nelson have never been seen in the same place... Jerry Manuel is not related to Charlie ManuelJerry Manuel is not related to Charlie Manuel... Somebody namd Michel coaches the Pittsburgh Penguins... Tiki Barber quit the Giants. The Giants then won the Super Bowl... The New England Patriots only lost ONE game out of 19!!! Aaron Heilman was actually funny in re to Eli and Plaxico Burress helping the Mets as a pitcher and outfielder, respectively. Repeat, Heilman was funny... Jessica Simpson would rather date Tom Brady - trust us... Eli Manning is better than Archie - now... Alyssa Milano is a Met fan. RRRRR... Rickey Henderson speaks in the 3rd Person... Shawn Green has big ears... Howard Johnson likes to stay at the Holiday Inn, ironically... Sandy Alomar, Sr. is the youngest of 9 kids. That's why he was quick around the dish. Jiminy Cricket was the Philly Phanatic in a previous life…Fred Wilpon is pals with Sandy Koufax... Mike Ditka is a really tough guy.. Buffalo has a Triple A baseball team. They are NOT called The Snowballs... Chan Ho Park has people thinking of naming a ballfield after him - it would be called Chan Ho Park Park... John Maine has never been, oddly enough, to Maine... Curt Gowdy, Jr. has never been to Yellow Knife, Canada... Kevin Mitchell played 6 positions for the Mets in '86 and, according to Doc Gooden's book, didn't like cats... John Olerud & Wayne Gretzky have never been seen in the same place... Kevin McReynolds now makes his living doing laugh tracks for sit-coms... Tony Gwynn is nearing 300 lbs... Carlos Beltran has Mercedes Benz dealerships named for him in Barcelona, Spain... Willie Montanez was called Guillermo by Lenny Randle... Rusty Staub beat Jeff Kent in a race – TODAY... Jay Horwitz is a dynamite Cricket players – somebody said... Jeff Wilpon was a decent minor league catcher... Ziggy Palfy lives in Slovakia and is a big Met fan... Superman Returns, yet still can’t hit Billy Wagner... David Wright will win the Triple Crown – on a horse... Omar Minaya is Tobey McGuire’s stunt-double in Spider Man 3... Hilary Clinton has Mr. Met pajamas – we think... Albert Einstein was a HUGE Met fan... The Metropolitan Opera House was named for the Mets after their 2nd season in ’63... Wally Backman, ’86 sparkplug, considered changing his name to Wally Back-Matt... Neil Allen and Mike Stanton, former Mets, have Allen & Stanton Streets on Lower East Side named for them.
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