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MATTS-MATICS: NY Jets vs NY Rangers |
BRAVE Fan Talks REDSKINS
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SABRES, PENS, SHOTGUNS & METS |
BILL BUCKNER WAS INNOCENT |
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Spring Break Training PART I |
Spring Break Training PART II |
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ANGRYWARD
Posts:765
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| 10-08-2008 - SelecA - |
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FRANKFURT, GERMANY— Happy belated Oktoberfest everyone! I’m here in the land of suds and smiles und sunshine in advance of this year’s Frankfurt Book Fair. For four days next week book publishers and professionals from around the world will gather here to try to find homes for their titles. I am no exception. Though I haven’t cleared this with the Matts yet, I am shopping a proposal for a book I’ve written entitled ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED ON MEET THE MATTS. During these troubled times, people need a book they can turn to for guidance, answers, and assistance in negotiating life’s various hurdles. I believe that this handy little volume will deliver all of that and so much more. Here are some sample chapters and entries:
Chapter 1: THE WIT AND WISDOM OF WISCONSIN WALT: Homespun common sense from America’s heartland.
Chapter 2: WINNING ARGUMENTS THROUGH POINTLESS STATISTICS: The Philly Phanatic shows you how to bamboozle friends and foes alike with spread sheets and stats that will befuddle the most worthy adversaries. Entries include: Avoiding Parking Tickets with Pitching Stats; Jury Duty, Schmury Duty; How to Make Your IRS Auditor Cry; and Guantanamo Bay OPS Percentage Torture.
Chapter 3: CONSERVATIVE POLITICS AND CACTUS CARE FOR DUMMIES: AZ Crazy helps you navigate two very prickly topics.
Chapter 4: THE TAO OF NELSON: From Nelson Mandela to half-nelsons to Charles Nelson Reilly, MTM’s Ed Nelson gives you lowdown on the only name you’ll ever need to know.
Chapter 5: LARRY BOWA AND OTHER PEOPLE I’D LIKE TO DECK: Grote2DMax singles out those individuals who make life slightly less worth living.
Chapter 6: THE LOVE POETRY OF YANKEE JOE: Woo that special lady in your life with the heartfelt verse of the poet laureate of 161st street. Poems include such classics as: “Why Can’t I Get Lucky Like the Red Sux,” “I’ll Never Forget You… or Thurman Munson,” “Met Chicks Are Sluts,” “Freddy Sez: I Love You,” “Third Place in the AL East But First in My Heart,” “Pinstripe Passion,” “Luxury Box,” and “You Stole My Heart, Just Like Mickey Rivers Stole Second.”
Chapter 7: THE COOKIE CONNECTION: Whether it’s baseball, babies, Benny Hill, or baking, Cookie’s got all the answers.
Chapter 8: ZEN AND THE ART OF SCALP MAINTENANCE: Matt M. and Matt O. break down the ins and outs of dry cleaning cheap suits, winning friends and influencing television executives, and how to get your cranium its shiniest.
Chapter 9: RAISING A RECKLESS CHILD IN THE 21st CENTURY: Legendary New York rowdy JG Clancy shares his blueprint for a misspent youth. Sections include: Rooftop Tag, Full Contact Wiffle Ball, Freight Train Surfing 101, Halloween Candy Roulette, and Parochial School Apple Throwing.
Chapter 10: THE CLUELESS GUY'S GUIDE TO WEB-SURFING WOMEN: Linda and Denise (MTM's Thelma and Louise) team up to educate and enlighten dim-witted knuckle-draggers about finding cool chicks on baseball blogs.
Chapter 11: SHUT UP AND LISTEN: A manifesto by Yankees Suck.
Chapter 12: F-TROOP AND OTHER POOP: Corporal Agorn
Chapter 13: PITFALLS OF THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST: Oregon Pete
Chapter 14: POP CULTURE, FROM AARON SORKIN TO ZERO MOSTEL: Sam’s-a-Fan
Chapter 15: 100 THINGS YOU'D BETTER NOT DO IN BROOKLYN: Vinny from Brooklyn
There’s also an extensive appendix with entries from such luminaries as David, Mike in the Mezz, Dude, Bayside, West Coast Craig, Long Lost Leah, Phil’s Brother, Greenpoint Glen, and dozens of other MTM celebs. In the interest of full disclosure, I am also shopping a lesser title penned by an R. Levine entitled: “Sin Spots of The Southern Hemisphere: A Sequel.” Wish me luck.
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Cookie
Posts:693
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| 10-08-2008 - SelecA - |
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Hmmmmm while i don't have 'all the answers'.. i do have the first post today. (And late for me, by golly!)
Another great post AW. The chuckle we all need as the leaves and our investment/retirement portfolios fall. Frankly, I'd love to know who else Grote'd love to deck.
I also think Chapter 6 on 'The Love Poetry of Yankee Joe' might also appropriately named 'Say It Ain't So Joe!' |
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gollytwo
Posts:74
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| 10-08-2008 - SelecA - |
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| What a fun way to start a beautiful Autumn morning. Thank you. |
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jgclancy
Posts:620
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| 10-08-2008 - SelecA - |
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| I'm betting Kent is in that Grote chapter.....well hoping at least. I hope you included the time Nat Power and I stole a parakeet from Woolworth's on Broadway & 230th. Took a lot of planning. |
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Grote2DMax
Posts:509
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| 10-08-2008 - SelecA - |
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| Bowa, Kent, Michael Irvin, Patrick Roy and Roger Clemens all have their own chapters. |
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Grote2DMax
Posts:509
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| 10-08-2008 - SelecA - |
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| Clancy that was purely a humanitarian move. It is widely believed that Woolworth's served parakeet in lieu of chicken at the dining counter. |
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ActiveForums 3.6
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How Philly Won |
One Of Our First
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ROY HOBBS ON STEROIDS??? |
MEAGHAN & JAKE: COOLEST FANS |
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Nobody Remembers The Loser |
Giant/Super Tuesday |
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MATTS-MATICS: Hockey Nuts Go At It |
See us on: "Law & Order" |
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MATT FACTS:
Plaxico Burress is no longer spokesman for Thigh Master. Chad Pennington is NOT a Brett Favre fan... Hillary Clinton and Don Nelson have never been seen in the same place... Jerry Manuel is not related to Charlie ManuelJerry Manuel is not related to Charlie Manuel... Somebody namd Michel coaches the Pittsburgh Penguins... Tiki Barber quit the Giants. The Giants then won the Super Bowl... The New England Patriots only lost ONE game out of 19!!! Aaron Heilman was actually funny in re to Eli and Plaxico Burress helping the Mets as a pitcher and outfielder, respectively. Repeat, Heilman was funny... Jessica Simpson would rather date Tom Brady - trust us... Eli Manning is better than Archie - now... Alyssa Milano is a Met fan. RRRRR... Rickey Henderson speaks in the 3rd Person... Shawn Green has big ears... Howard Johnson likes to stay at the Holiday Inn, ironically... Sandy Alomar, Sr. is the youngest of 9 kids. That's why he was quick around the dish. Jiminy Cricket was the Philly Phanatic in a previous life…Fred Wilpon is pals with Sandy Koufax... Mike Ditka is a really tough guy.. Buffalo has a Triple A baseball team. They are NOT called The Snowballs... Chan Ho Park has people thinking of naming a ballfield after him - it would be called Chan Ho Park Park... John Maine has never been, oddly enough, to Maine... Curt Gowdy, Jr. has never been to Yellow Knife, Canada... Kevin Mitchell played 6 positions for the Mets in '86 and, according to Doc Gooden's book, didn't like cats... John Olerud & Wayne Gretzky have never been seen in the same place... Kevin McReynolds now makes his living doing laugh tracks for sit-coms... Tony Gwynn is nearing 300 lbs... Carlos Beltran has Mercedes Benz dealerships named for him in Barcelona, Spain... Willie Montanez was called Guillermo by Lenny Randle... Rusty Staub beat Jeff Kent in a race – TODAY... Jay Horwitz is a dynamite Cricket players – somebody said... Jeff Wilpon was a decent minor league catcher... Ziggy Palfy lives in Slovakia and is a big Met fan... Superman Returns, yet still can’t hit Billy Wagner... David Wright will win the Triple Crown – on a horse... Omar Minaya is Tobey McGuire’s stunt-double in Spider Man 3... Hilary Clinton has Mr. Met pajamas – we think... Albert Einstein was a HUGE Met fan... The Metropolitan Opera House was named for the Mets after their 2nd season in ’63... Wally Backman, ’86 sparkplug, considered changing his name to Wally Back-Matt... Neil Allen and Mike Stanton, former Mets, have Allen & Stanton Streets on Lower East Side named for them.
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