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Spring Break Training PART I |
Spring Break Training PART II |
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SABRES, PENS, SHOTGUNS & METS |
BILL BUCKNER WAS INNOCENT |
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ANGRYWARD
Posts:594
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| 06-25-2008 - SelecA - |
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NEWPORT, RI—We interrupt yet another embarrassing homestand to bring you this important news: Baseball just isn’t working this year people. Aside from one or two standout teams and a handful of “have-nots” we are experiencing league-wide parity. Sub par play coupled with soaring ticket prices and waning television ratings have made it necessary for Bud Selig and his lieutenants to come up with something to reach today’s fans and rebuild interest in the game. After holding a top secret meeting last month in a location known only as “The Meadows,” Selig emerged with a plan to re-energize the game by giving the people what they want: Reality Television. Last night Major League Baseball announced the following reality-based summer replacement shows. So, next time you go looking for the Mets on SNY, the Cubs on WGN, or Sunday night Baseball on ESPN, you may just encounter one of the following new MLB-TV shows:
HANKS A MILLION: Hank Steinbrenner hosts this survival of the dimmest. Contestants vie for a million dollars by seeing who can say the most stupid things while smoking the greatest quantity of cigarettes in a half hour.
THE MOLE: A weekly competition where folks from around the country challenge Carlos Beltran to see if their skin growths can top his gargantuan ear flap-sized mole. Freckle’s ugly cousin was never so funny.
MANNY 911: Parents of well-adjusted, intelligent, highly focused children call on Boston’s loopy left fielder for help in curing their kids of their egg-headed ways.
PROJECT RUNDOWN: Over-the-hill baseball stolen base kings compete in a game of pickle against two current major league infielders. Tune in for the exciting first episode as Maury Wills, Lou Brock, and Ty Cobb’s corpse face off against Carlos Delgado and Luis Castillo.
THE ZEILE WORLD: Follow everyone’s favorite journeyman ballplayer Todd Zeile as he takes you on a whirlwind tour of all of his big league stops. Each travel diary is coupled with white-knuckle accounts of Zeile’s most dramatic baseball moments. A must-see for the sleep deprived.
THE SIMPLE LIFE: You thought Paris was spoiled? See how Carl Pavano spends four years and $40 million dollars.
BIGGEST LOSER: Set in the City of Brotherly love, fans of the Philadelphia Phillies square off to determine which one is… “The Biggest Loser.”
HEAVEN’S KITCHEN: Members of the Colorado Rockies run the most God-fearing galley on television. Contestants will prepare traditional Christian meals while being quizzed on the scriptures.
AMERICAN IDLE: Moises Alou’s wacky adventures on the disabled list.
PIMP MY BRIDE: Kris Benson offers his wife Anna’s services to any owner willing to offer him a long-term deal.
These are but a handful of shows fans can look forward to. Also in development: EXPENSIVE BEER FACTOR; EXTREME MAKEOVER: MARINERS EDITION; and WIFE SWAP, hosted by Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson. Ask your local cable provider for MLB-TV now!
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Hank from Ronkonkoma
Posts:47
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| 06-25-2008 - SelecA - |
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| nice work here ward. . . i would much rather tune into all of these shows than the debacle that is the mets season. Another suggestion: FAN SWAP. . . take a mets fan and a fan of a team doing well and make their fans switch places, lives, cities, etc. A lot of metropolitan pain could be eased. |
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Ed Nelson
Posts:180
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| 06-25-2008 - SelecA - |
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| Stellar!!! Just what the doctor ordered, AW! I needed a laugh today and you gave me ten... Pimp My Bride and American Idle - GENIUS!!! |
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Jersey Shore
Posts:13
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| 06-25-2008 - SelecA - |
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| Funny stuff. Agreed, I'd rather watch Moises Alou rehab that the Mets get blown out. |
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Finns
Posts:72
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| 06-25-2008 - SelecA - |
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Funny stuff AW. I will tune into BIGGEST LOSER to see if the Philly Fanatic makes the cut.
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Sam's-a-fan
Posts:801
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| 06-25-2008 - SelecA - |
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| Still in development, because I can't come up with the genius shows that Ward has given us: "Who Wants to Watch a Millionaire?" Regis hosts a cross between his once popular game show and "Fear Factor" while fans of underperforming teams are strapped to chairs and made to watch rich guys phone it in while the fans' hearts break right there on national TV. |
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ActiveForums 3.6
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MATTS-MATICS: NY Jets vs NY Rangers |
BRAVE Fan Talks REDSKINS
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ROY HOBBS ON STEROIDS??? |
MEAGHAN & JAKE: COOLEST FANS |
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Nobody Remembers The Loser |
Giant/Super Tuesday |
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MATTS-MATICS: Hockey Nuts Go At It |
See us on: "Law & Order" |
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MATT FACTS:
Chad Pennington is NOT a Brett Favre fan... Hillary Clinton and Don Nelson have never been seen in the same place... Jerry Manuel is not related to Charlie ManuelJerry Manuel is not related to Charlie Manuel... Somebody namd Michel coaches the Pittsburgh Penguins... Tiki Barber quit the Giants. The Giants then won the Super Bowl... The New England Patriots only lost ONE game out of 19!!! Aaron Heilman was actually funny in re to Eli and Plaxico Burress helping the Mets as a pitcher and outfielder, respectively. Repeat, Heilman was funny... Jessica Simpson would rather date Tom Brady - trust us... Eli Manning is better than Archie - now... Alyssa Milano is a Met fan. RRRRR... Rickey Henderson speaks in the 3rd Person... Shawn Green has big ears... Howard Johnson likes to stay at the Holiday Inn, ironically... Sandy Alomar, Sr. is the youngest of 9 kids. That's why he was quick around the dish. Jiminy Cricket was the Philly Phanatic in a previous life…Fred Wilpon is pals with Sandy Koufax... Mike Ditka is a really tough guy.. Buffalo has a Triple A baseball team. They are NOT called The Snowballs... Chan Ho Park has people thinking of naming a ballfield after him - it would be called Chan Ho Park Park... John Maine has never been, oddly enough, to Maine... Curt Gowdy, Jr. has never been to Yellow Knife, Canada... Kevin Mitchell played 6 positions for the Mets in '86 and, according to Doc Gooden's book, didn't like cats... John Olerud & Wayne Gretzky have never been seen in the same place... Kevin McReynolds now makes his living doing laugh tracks for sit-coms... Tony Gwynn is nearing 300 lbs... Carlos Beltran has Mercedes Benz dealerships named for him in Barcelona, Spain... Willie Montanez was called Guillermo by Lenny Randle... Rusty Staub beat Jeff Kent in a race – TODAY... Jay Horwitz is a dynamite Cricket players – somebody said... Jeff Wilpon was a decent minor league catcher... Ziggy Palfy lives in Slovakia and is a big Met fan... Superman Returns, yet still can’t hit Billy Wagner... David Wright will win the Triple Crown – on a horse... Omar Minaya is Tobey McGuire’s stunt-double in Spider Man 3... Hilary Clinton has Mr. Met pajamas – we think... Albert Einstein was a HUGE Met fan... The Metropolitan Opera House was named for the Mets after their 2nd season in ’63... Wally Backman, ’86 sparkplug, considered changing his name to Wally Back-Matt... Neil Allen and Mike Stanton, former Mets, have Allen & Stanton Streets on Lower East Side named for them.
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